Full mark description in 560 words
How to describe a place
Sometimes in GCSE and entrance exams, students will be asked to describe a memorable place or day.
For the piece below, I’ve responded to a question from a GCSE English Language paper: ‘Describe a place you think is beautiful.’
The key to success with this kind of question is to create a vivid picture for the reader, which allows the reader to really visualise the place you describe.
While you want your writing to sound sophisticated and poetic, clarity of expression is most important.
If your writing sounds beautiful but is unclear, you won’t secure a top grade.
Below is my piece of writing and some feedback from Tilf, AI marking software for GCSE and A Level English.
It’s not perfect and remember LLM software does not possess genuine intelligence, but it does a good job of highlighting what I do well in my piece of writing.
A quick note on some of the terminology of the mark scheme:
Sensory imagery: literally anything you can imagine with your senses. I make a conscious effort to include lots of visual and auditory (sound) imagery.
Coherent: in this context, coherent means each sentence and paragraph logically and smoothly follows from the previous sentence and paragraph respectively. To ensure my writing is coherent, I take the reader on a journey walking along the river and make sure there is one clear and specific focus for each paragraph.
Model Description
I like to walk down to the Thames from the bumpy cobble street running alongside St Mary's church. Looking up at its looming crested tower, you can see the red and white flag of St George fluttering in the wind. Just below–when the sun is shining–the light shimmers off the stained glass window. Further on past the main parish hall, there's a little walled garden with a magnolia tree in the centre; one of the first trees to bloom in spring, a splash of pink contrasting with the grey protestant stone.
(This paragraph sets a vivid scene with detailed descriptions. The use of sensory language and specific imagery, such as 'bumpy cobble street' and 'light shimmers off the stained glass window,' effectively engages the reader. The tone and style are well-matched to the purpose of describing a beautiful place.)
Past the church and its garden, down the sloping cobbles, I walk to the slipway in front. Stop and stand there for a moment, looking out toward the river bending towards Richmond, around York House gardens with its high stone walls lined with Roman balustrade. There are no concrete high rises. No glass offices. Just the old Thames, swaying willows, mossy narrow boats harboured opposite: it’s a perfect pastoral painting.
(The description continues to be engaging and clear. The imagery of the 'old Thames' and 'mossy narrow boats' creates a picturesque and serene scene. The paragraph is well-organized and maintains coherence with the previous one.)
Then I turn and head upstream, towards Eel Pie bridge, under the weeping willows where the crows gather. I remember one day it was like Hitchcock's The Birds: there was a murder of crows gathered. They sat perched in the willows, sitting like sentries on the battlements of crested castles. Every so often they would beat their wings and circle, before retreating to mount the willows again, cawing at anyone who dared walk past.
(The reference to Hitchcock's 'The Birds' adds an interesting and imaginative element to the description. The paragraph effectively uses varied sentence structures and maintains a compelling tone. The imagery of the crows and their behavior is vivid and engaging.)
Past the willows, near the bridge to Eel Pie island, are various birds: pigeons mostly, but also swans, gulls and Egyptian geese with eyes like gemstones. Young and old feed the birds bread throughout the year. Competition is fierce. There's a clear hierarchy: swans, gulls, geese and then pigeons... of course. Pigeons always at the bottom–rats of the sky. The swans at the top of the pecking order accelerate gracefully like expensive sports cars pulling up outside 5 star hotels before snatching up their portion. The gulls swoop in as they wish uncontested, except from other gulls. In fact competition is mostly between species. The swans and geese are particularly savage with one another. They snap at each other's necks for their bit of bread; alway stretching out their necks to nab.
(This paragraph provides a detailed and dynamic description of the birds and their interactions. The use of metaphors, such as 'swans at the top of the pecking order accelerate gracefully like expensive sports cars,' adds depth to the imagery. The paragraph is well-organized and maintains coherence.)
I always take the time to watch the birds: pigeons circling the bridge; the swans gliding along the river; the geese swooping low to the river in V formation; or the the lone seagull perched on the railing, scanning left to right mechanically. I listen to the pigeons coo, the gulls squawk and the geese honk, as they fly through like fighter pilots.
(The paragraph continues to provide detailed and engaging descriptions of the birds and their behaviors. The use of sensory language, such as 'pigeons coo, the gulls squawk and the geese honk,' effectively immerses the reader in the scene. The paragraph is coherent and well-structured.)
Looking out to Eel Pie, I wonder who might live on an island (on the actual Thames) with a swinging wicker chair hanging from a tree bough. What a perfect retreat in the Metropolis–until the Thames rises and drowns the foot bridge that is! Then–unless you have your own boat–you have to take off your shoes and socks, roll up your trousers and wade through water if you want to get to town.
(This paragraph introduces a reflective element, wondering about the inhabitants of Eel Pie Island. The description of the island as a 'perfect retreat in the Metropolis' adds to the overall sense of beauty. The paragraph is well-organized and maintains coherence with the rest of the text.)
But it’s a much loved spot. On a warm day, the benches facing the river are all taken. You can hear the river murmur and watch the sunlight glimmer off its surface. Sometimes as the sun sets in the distance, its rays burst through the clouds, illuminating the river in golden light. It’s a great spot to watch the close of day.
(The final paragraph provides a serene and peaceful conclusion to the description. The imagery of the 'sunlight glimmer off its surface' and 'illuminating the river in golden light' effectively captures the beauty of the place. The paragraph is coherent and well-structured, providing a satisfying end to the description.)
Tilf mark and feedback
Mark: 40/40
Overall feedback: This is an excellent piece of writing that vividly describes a beautiful place. The use of sensory language, detailed imagery, and varied sentence structures effectively engages the reader. The tone and style are consistently matched to the purpose, and the text is well-organized and coherent throughout.
What went well: The detailed and vivid descriptions, use of sensory language, and varied sentence structures effectively engage the reader. The tone and style are consistently matched to the purpose, and the text is well-organized and coherent throughout.
Even better if: There is little to improve in this piece. However, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next could enhance the overall flow of the text even further.
Top tips from me
Describe a place you know well. Typically students want to talk about a place they’ve been to on holiday. That’s fine. But I chose this stretch of the river near where I live because I know what it looks like in all seasons, from every angle and can easily transport myself there in my mind. It’s best to pick a place you know like the back of your hand.
Take the reader on a journey. Nothing has to happen: just consider where you’re going from point A to point B and where you’ll stop along the way.
Vary your sentence structure and be playful with your writing. You can get away with incomplete and fragmented sentences as long as it sounds deliberate. For example:
‘There's a clear hierarchy: swans, gulls, geese and then pigeons... of course. Pigeons always at the bottom–rats of the sky.’
I include a colon which introduces a list and then my voice trails of with ellipsis for comical effect. Then the next sentence is a fragmented sentence to sound conversational.
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